Adoptee Stories
What Drives My
Continued Dysfunction?
I was adopted over 70 years ago. If this event is affecting me today (and it still has that power) then it must be that I have carried something forward from that time. The event itself was over in a relatively short time.
The point is that today, I am not the victim of someone else’s action that happened so long ago. Today, I am affected by my own deeply rooted beliefs, which I formed back then. Neither my natural-parents nor my adoptive-parents drive my dysfunction. I do.
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Moon People
Most people in general, those who are not adopted, think adoption is a really great thing. Adoption provides for babies and young children a new start with a new family.
So many non-adopted people will often say that they wished they were adopted. They think that we were spared parents that didn’t want us and given to parents who provide us with the best life we could have ever found. They are envious of our situation and wish they had the opportunity that we did. Because of this, we are supposed to feel lucky and happy because we were adopted. For this reason, they could never understand why we wouldn’t feel so lucky. They only see the outside world portrayal of adoption. The fairy tale perfect life that everyone always wanted. But that is exactly that, a fairy tale.
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Adoptive Parents: Narcissism, Defenses and Attachment Styles
Here is a link to a rare, interesting comparative study of women who are fertile with women who have experienced primary and secondary infertility. Although the subjects were from India, their profile was very similar to adopters in our western culture. The researchers investigated the three groups for their degree of narcissism, defense mechanisms, and attachment styles. They found significant differences between the three groups. The researchers also commented on the sparse number of existing academic studies concerning the infertile population as well as treatment modalities for their subjects. This situation is surprising considering the degree of personal pain and distress infertility causes. We also have a multi-billion dollar adoption industry that serves these clients but no research on how infertility affects parenting!
An Open Letter
To anyone who has adopted, who is considering adopting, or just thinks it might be cool or fun to adopt someday.
What you are about to read may shock you. It may challenge you. And, hopefully, it may inspire you to educate yourself further on the realities of adoption. Please read the following with an open mind, and try not to take anything said here personally. Because this is not meant to be an attack or a judgment; it is meant to be an honest and heartfelt expression of one adoptee’s experience that would hopefully bring understanding and respect for the often ignored portion of the adoption equation.)
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Perfect Strangers
For nine months, I was safe and warm and content with all that was familiar in my humble little existence. I knew well all the smells and sounds both inside and outside of my existence. The sound of my mother’s heartbeat and the variations of speed of that heartbeat from it’s slowest at rest beat to its fastest panicked heartbeat and everything in between. I could recognize the sound of my mother’s voice, it’s distinct tones and rhythms that brought comfort to me. But then, as with everything in life, came the time when I had to leave my safe and comfortable existence for a life in the outside world.
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